she woke up with a sticky ear
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
