Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
