I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
