Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
