i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
