Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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