the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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