Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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