A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
