guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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