haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
