I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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