haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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