My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
