the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
