Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
