dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
