So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
