I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
