Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
