There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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