Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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