11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
