kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
