I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
