I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it hurts more in the daytime
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
