I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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