Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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