i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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