Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
