This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
