How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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