i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
