At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
