$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
