I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
