i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
