you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
