So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
