You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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