Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
