I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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