Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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