I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Enjoy the penises
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
