god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
