The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize