You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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