Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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