Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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