You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
